Heart over mind

First day of work at Sharetea today. It was so tough. The POS system almost drive me crazy. 4 freaking pages of menu for me to memorise. I foresee myself dying but my mum say i will survive. HAHAH.

Received his sms again today. TEEHEE *Insert crazyhypersuperhappy face* But I lied that i was going to rest and ended the conversation because i didn't know how to continue. I was really kinda pissed w myself cause i really wanted to talk to him. But i feel like i'm trying too hard whenever i do because i'm always thinking of what to say and how to reply and what should i ask so that i can keep the conversation going. And that makes me feel so desperate and stupid. I really hate it when i doubt myself. I feel like a clown. I'm not desperate. I just like someone and is hoping that the guy that i like will maybe just feel a little something for me. But it never happens and i understand. This may sound stupid but, i wouldn't choose me either.

What am i suppose to say or do so that i can see this picture clearer? Somebody said this to me 'Is either you go all out this time or you stop wasting your time thinking about him.' And another 'YOLO bitch. Just do it. Who knows whats gonna happen the next second? Live your life to the fullest and do things that makes you happy. Seize the chance and make it happen.' Hais. And in my mind: Yeah man. YOLO. Go all out, seize the chance, make it happen.' My heart: Please think twice. Is the relationship more important or what you want? What if he..., what if we.... What if, what if, what if.
Dammit. I'm going mad. Hahaha. Thinking so much but i know at the end of the day my heart always wins. I've never done anything that my mind decides in my life before. So, suck it and continue watching from this cave of yours Angela Lim.

Hahah! Whatever. I just reread my post and i find it so funny. Heart over mind. Hahhaha. Alright, working tomorrow. Bye guys ^^

YOLO

I think i have to make this clear. I have no idea who reads my blog except for those people who told me that they do. Which means to say, i post every entry considering that the involved party in my blog post are not reading my blog. So, if you happen to know that i'm talking about you or whatsoever, just keep it to yourself unless i said something really offensive and you wanna confront me then go ahead. ^^ So, here i go.

Had tennis training today. It was intense. Well, at least for a not so sporty person like me, it was. Hahah. Had our core conditioned under the slightly heavy drizzle. It was kind of fun actually. Cause i haven't went under the rain for quite a while already. Hahaha.

Received a call earlier today from Sharetea asking me to go for interview. I was really tired but i went. Maybe its because i already got use to how Gelateria works, the way they plan schedule at Sharetea is kind of weird and unorganise to me. And their pay is pathetically low. So i rejected their offer. To be honest i actually wanted that extra income. Whats more, two days back i misplaced my ezlink card and now i'll have to activate my Rp card which means to say, i'll have to start paying adult fare. How careless can i be? Heading to Manhattan tomorrow to try my luck. Lets hope for the best ^^

Didn't visit granny today. Feels weird without seeing her for just a day. But i guess its for the best too. I'm not sure if i'm prepared to see her in such pain today. And i can't be there for her on Friday for her operation cause i will be away for camp. Feeling extremely frustrated now. But i'm pretty sure tomorrow will  be a better day ^^

Was resting when i received his text today and I literally jumped out of bed. HAHAHA. Yes, thats how excited i am. Its not about the content of that text but knowing that the person you've been thinking all day long actually remembers what he says to you. Although the convo didn't last for long, i'm still thankful. And i guess i got the point. I know i should have gotten it long ago but i've been living in self denial all these while. Before i get annoying, i know i have to stop thinking cause i might just lose control one day and start living YOLO-ly. Hahaha. Alright, its getting kinda late. Post today is a little messy and unorganised. But i'm really tired and forgive me if there are any typos. Goodnight ^^

26 May 2013; 1:39AM

I miss you.

Overwhelmed.

I hate taking naps. Cause i wake up feeling so cranky and grumpy like as if people owe me millions of dollars. But i still took a nap today cause i was over thinking.

I woke up this morning feeling sick and tired of what i've been feeling since last night. And i told myself that i need to have a new start, again. Thats when i have decided to go and have a hair cut. HAHA. Everytime i wanna start fresh, i go and cut my hair. I guess i might become bald one day. Hahah. 

I don't know how long will i take to get over this. I'm so sick of feeling empty and weird and moody and emo. That's not me. I thought i was over it until i saw things that are related to him. I know this has nothing to do with anybody. Its just me that i can't help it but think of him so much even though i know that he don't do the same. Its me and my wishful thinking thats killing myself inside. 

How long is this going to take? Its the second day of holiday and i'm overwhelm by negative feelings. I wanna cry like a small girl. Not because the person i like don't feel the same for me but because i feel so useless that after such a long time, i'm still not able to get out of this feeling. Why can't i understand that its not possible? How long more will i need? 

Its Myself day tomorrow. Gonna go for a morning jog and head out to take some awesome photos. 

I might not be feeling awesome or good now. But one thing that we are all sure of is that i will survive. Right? Hahaha. Bye guys. 

Who am i?

Finally. Another blog post. My holidays are coming. And i'm feeling weird without plans now.

I think i'm going to the Starbucks at woodlands Mrt station to apply for a job. I'm not sure if they are hiring and not sure if they want to hire me cause i can't commit once my school starts again. But anyways, an extra income is perhaps something that i need now. Not exactly need. But want.

Granny moved in with us since a week ago. I'm so glad she's staying with us. This way, i get to see her every single day. I guess the hardest part is for me to stay up until 12 midnight everyday to wake her up for her medication. Not that i'm really tired. But i remembered my mum saying that if i want to look pretty without acnes, i have to sleep early. Hahah. Its fine though. Cause my granny is more important than anything else in the world.

Feeling kinda good recently. Math test is over, English test is in 2 days time and a presentation on Wed, after that i'm free from school. I think holidays in between school days are the best. Cause thats when we really appreciates our free time.

Nothing much. But this question is somehow bothering me.
Just what kind of person am i?

Losing it

I didn’t change. I just opened up and be myself.

Before school starts, I told myself to tone down because I’m scared. I don’t want what happened previously in my life to happen again. Saying the wrong things, letting people see through, getting taken advantage of and so on.  I know its dumb. People might think ‘You’re so stupid. Who will anybody show their true selves to others?’ I didn’t hide myself. Its tiring. I know I’m not mature and all. But that’s me. I’m 17. How mature do you expect me to be? I understand that there are people my age and is very mature. But that’s just not me.

Before schools started, I remember telling myself to keep low profile and tone down in school. I did. I did not bring up any of my personal stuff during the first two weeks of school. But I don’t know why, since that day I received that text, I started losing it. Started losing myself. I wanna talk to people about you. I wanted people to know that I have a friend like you that I’m close with. A friend that I get happy and excited for.

I go to school every day since then feeling happy and all. Because I know that my classmates knew about the existence of this guy. I know it might not sound logical. But that’s the reason why I feel happy. Until 2 days back, I realize I might have said too much and shown too much of my true self to people. Be it my classmates or school mates.

Last week, one of my classmate commented that I became a lot more outspoken than I was the past 2 weeks. Being outspoken is not a bad thing. That I know. But I really don’t like how much I’ve told people about myself. I regretted. But words that are spoken can never be taken back. I guess its time for me to control myself. I’m did a good job previously. Angela, control and maintain. 

Granny

Never expected myself to be posting things like this but i'm really tired and i need a place to pour things out. This heavy heart of mine is killing me. My granny had been admitted to the hospital.

I don't wanna talk about the details of her illness. But seeing how she is today really breaks my heart. I feel like i'm dying from all the holding back of tears. Right now to me, that is one of the hardest thing to do. I hate that. Cause it stops me from speaking. That lump in my throat blocks my voice.

I'm so tired and so scared. Tired of crying and scared of losing. I would do anything if it could take away the pain from her. I'm serious. It really kills me inside to see her suffer. She have done so much for us. So so much. Why her?

Regrets. So much regrets. I really hate myself now. So much.