YOLO

I think i have to make this clear. I have no idea who reads my blog except for those people who told me that they do. Which means to say, i post every entry considering that the involved party in my blog post are not reading my blog. So, if you happen to know that i'm talking about you or whatsoever, just keep it to yourself unless i said something really offensive and you wanna confront me then go ahead. ^^ So, here i go.

Had tennis training today. It was intense. Well, at least for a not so sporty person like me, it was. Hahah. Had our core conditioned under the slightly heavy drizzle. It was kind of fun actually. Cause i haven't went under the rain for quite a while already. Hahaha.

Received a call earlier today from Sharetea asking me to go for interview. I was really tired but i went. Maybe its because i already got use to how Gelateria works, the way they plan schedule at Sharetea is kind of weird and unorganise to me. And their pay is pathetically low. So i rejected their offer. To be honest i actually wanted that extra income. Whats more, two days back i misplaced my ezlink card and now i'll have to activate my Rp card which means to say, i'll have to start paying adult fare. How careless can i be? Heading to Manhattan tomorrow to try my luck. Lets hope for the best ^^

Didn't visit granny today. Feels weird without seeing her for just a day. But i guess its for the best too. I'm not sure if i'm prepared to see her in such pain today. And i can't be there for her on Friday for her operation cause i will be away for camp. Feeling extremely frustrated now. But i'm pretty sure tomorrow will  be a better day ^^

Was resting when i received his text today and I literally jumped out of bed. HAHAHA. Yes, thats how excited i am. Its not about the content of that text but knowing that the person you've been thinking all day long actually remembers what he says to you. Although the convo didn't last for long, i'm still thankful. And i guess i got the point. I know i should have gotten it long ago but i've been living in self denial all these while. Before i get annoying, i know i have to stop thinking cause i might just lose control one day and start living YOLO-ly. Hahaha. Alright, its getting kinda late. Post today is a little messy and unorganised. But i'm really tired and forgive me if there are any typos. Goodnight ^^

26 May 2013; 1:39AM

I miss you.

Overwhelmed.

I hate taking naps. Cause i wake up feeling so cranky and grumpy like as if people owe me millions of dollars. But i still took a nap today cause i was over thinking.

I woke up this morning feeling sick and tired of what i've been feeling since last night. And i told myself that i need to have a new start, again. Thats when i have decided to go and have a hair cut. HAHA. Everytime i wanna start fresh, i go and cut my hair. I guess i might become bald one day. Hahah. 

I don't know how long will i take to get over this. I'm so sick of feeling empty and weird and moody and emo. That's not me. I thought i was over it until i saw things that are related to him. I know this has nothing to do with anybody. Its just me that i can't help it but think of him so much even though i know that he don't do the same. Its me and my wishful thinking thats killing myself inside. 

How long is this going to take? Its the second day of holiday and i'm overwhelm by negative feelings. I wanna cry like a small girl. Not because the person i like don't feel the same for me but because i feel so useless that after such a long time, i'm still not able to get out of this feeling. Why can't i understand that its not possible? How long more will i need? 

Its Myself day tomorrow. Gonna go for a morning jog and head out to take some awesome photos. 

I might not be feeling awesome or good now. But one thing that we are all sure of is that i will survive. Right? Hahaha. Bye guys. 

Who am i?

Finally. Another blog post. My holidays are coming. And i'm feeling weird without plans now.

I think i'm going to the Starbucks at woodlands Mrt station to apply for a job. I'm not sure if they are hiring and not sure if they want to hire me cause i can't commit once my school starts again. But anyways, an extra income is perhaps something that i need now. Not exactly need. But want.

Granny moved in with us since a week ago. I'm so glad she's staying with us. This way, i get to see her every single day. I guess the hardest part is for me to stay up until 12 midnight everyday to wake her up for her medication. Not that i'm really tired. But i remembered my mum saying that if i want to look pretty without acnes, i have to sleep early. Hahah. Its fine though. Cause my granny is more important than anything else in the world.

Feeling kinda good recently. Math test is over, English test is in 2 days time and a presentation on Wed, after that i'm free from school. I think holidays in between school days are the best. Cause thats when we really appreciates our free time.

Nothing much. But this question is somehow bothering me.
Just what kind of person am i?

Losing it

I didn’t change. I just opened up and be myself.

Before school starts, I told myself to tone down because I’m scared. I don’t want what happened previously in my life to happen again. Saying the wrong things, letting people see through, getting taken advantage of and so on.  I know its dumb. People might think ‘You’re so stupid. Who will anybody show their true selves to others?’ I didn’t hide myself. Its tiring. I know I’m not mature and all. But that’s me. I’m 17. How mature do you expect me to be? I understand that there are people my age and is very mature. But that’s just not me.

Before schools started, I remember telling myself to keep low profile and tone down in school. I did. I did not bring up any of my personal stuff during the first two weeks of school. But I don’t know why, since that day I received that text, I started losing it. Started losing myself. I wanna talk to people about you. I wanted people to know that I have a friend like you that I’m close with. A friend that I get happy and excited for.

I go to school every day since then feeling happy and all. Because I know that my classmates knew about the existence of this guy. I know it might not sound logical. But that’s the reason why I feel happy. Until 2 days back, I realize I might have said too much and shown too much of my true self to people. Be it my classmates or school mates.

Last week, one of my classmate commented that I became a lot more outspoken than I was the past 2 weeks. Being outspoken is not a bad thing. That I know. But I really don’t like how much I’ve told people about myself. I regretted. But words that are spoken can never be taken back. I guess its time for me to control myself. I’m did a good job previously. Angela, control and maintain. 

Granny

Never expected myself to be posting things like this but i'm really tired and i need a place to pour things out. This heavy heart of mine is killing me. My granny had been admitted to the hospital.

I don't wanna talk about the details of her illness. But seeing how she is today really breaks my heart. I feel like i'm dying from all the holding back of tears. Right now to me, that is one of the hardest thing to do. I hate that. Cause it stops me from speaking. That lump in my throat blocks my voice.

I'm so tired and so scared. Tired of crying and scared of losing. I would do anything if it could take away the pain from her. I'm serious. It really kills me inside to see her suffer. She have done so much for us. So so much. Why her?

Regrets. So much regrets. I really hate myself now. So much.

The end.

Having mixed emotions right now composing this entry. Hahah. Well, 6 months holiday ends today. Wow. 6 months. Sounds damn long but to think of it, i made many priceless memories.

First thing i did after my N levels was work. And to be honest i spent about 4 months of my holiday working.  Is not that i didn't want to spend time with my friends and all but all my friends are in Sec 5 and i'm all alone. To be honest. Hahaha. Still, thanks to my awesome colleagues that made my working days enjoyable and memorable. 

It really took me a lot of courage to quit my part time job. Reason being for that 4 months, Gelateria was like my second home. Going there about 4 times a week, spending about 8 hours each day on average. But people who knows me know that quitting was for the better. People that really matters to me at work are not working anymore either. So.. Yeah. 

Spent the last month of my holidays mostly with my mum. Have breakfast with her every morning, bringing grandpa to the hospital, accompany her to places that she wants to go and things like that. I really love spending time with my mum cause every single time i learn something new. All the life lessons that she had taught me, intentionally or not, i will definitely remember for life. 

This week had been pretty epic. Here's what happened. 

Well, three days back i vomited 3 times and i was so sick the doctor had to give me an injection. Best part, on my butt. Its really funny cause i was actually waiting for my turn for consultation but my body couldn't take it and i fainted so the nurse allow me in first. When i entered the room, still semi-conscious, i vividly heard my mum voiced 'injection'. Hahaha. Well, i suddenly became conscious and went 'WHAT? NO NEED LA I OK ALREADY' But still... Hahaha. So, after the injection and all, i reached home about 1130pm. Had an awesome sleep and i thought i would be fine the next day. I woke up feeling damn thirsty so i wanted  to head to the toilet to brush my teeth. But i started feeling damn giddy when i barely even reach the kitchen. So i walked like a drunk bastard to the sofa and laid down and after awhile, i  tried to walk to the toilet again. This time i made my way there. I started brushing my teeth and all but halfway through brushing, i fainted and hit my head against the toilet bowl. I swear it hurts like crapppp. Till now, the hole caused by the impact is still there. 

What a way to end my holidays honestly. 

This 6 months had been really great. I've met really awesome people, been to some really awesome places and ate some really awesome food. But no matter how awesome they are, whats over is over. The people that have choose to leave had left. Now its time for me to move on too. Today marks the end of my Chapter Sixteen part 1. Byebye!

The end.